(THEME SONG PLAYING)
I believe a person is responsible for her own destiny
and can be anything she wants,
if she wants it bad enough and she never, ever gives up.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Topanga Lawrence,
the next president of the United States.
Thank you.
Uh, everybody, that makes me the first lady.
You see how secure I am in my sexuality.
Hello.
Now come on, Topanga.
You really believe all that Little Mary Sunshine stuff?
Yes, I do.
So do I.
To a point.
Shawn! Stuart!
Nice haircut.
Thanks. Eight bucks.
Looks like it.
Now, Topanga just spouted a philosophical belief. What is it?
Free will.
Hey, he's a big deal with the new hair.
She's in charge of her own actions
and therefore creates her own destiny.
Good hair and good answer.
You believe her?
In my experience, you don't bet against Topanga
or you'll get your butt kicked.
I don't doubt it.
Now how about it, Romeo?
You buy what Juliet is saying?
Yeah, I do. I think you have to have
at least some control over the things that happen to you.
Really?
Cory Matthews wakes up one morning.
He kisses his lovely wife.
He leaves his nice suburban home,
and then he gets hit by a bus.
I'll miss you, buddy.
No, I don't get hit by a bus.
Why not? Because I use the crosswalks,
I memorize the bus schedules,
and if I got a wife like Topanga,
I ain't leaving the house!
Bus hits you anyway.
Now, what's that called?
Fate.
Doesn't matter if you stay in or go out,
your life is predestined, and there's nothing you can do about it.
So you mean that bus
is going to drive right through my house to get to me?
Yes, it is.
I'll miss you, buddy.
All right, guys, we got to get out of here.
Now, uh, I read your papers,
and most of them were bad.
This isn't high school anymore.
Free up your minds.
You're smarter than these.
Shawnie! Shawnie, this guy is awesome.
I've been waiting a thousand years for a teacher like this.
Yeah, high school is amateur night.
It's not like Feeny at all.
He treats us like equals.
Feeny was like a parent. This guy's a friend.
I know.
You're a good teacher, but a bad pool player.
You owe me a coffee.
All right. Anybody else?
It's on me. Coffee.
Coffee.
Hey, guys, I only have two hands here.
Topanga, you want to help me out?
Sure.
You know, actually, I wanted to thank you.
What did I do?
You took my class. You challenged things.
A teacher likes a student who participates and shakes things up.
Makes class more exciting.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Keep it up.
Five coffees.
"If we don't challenge our leaders,
"we have no right to complain over how they lead."
That's a quote from my paper.
It was a good paper.
You got a little lazy on the summary,
but we'll go over it, okay?
How's campus life?
Well, Angela and I are in McKay,
so small rooms, lousy food.
Welcome to college.
Good afternoon, Dean Bolander.
Stuart.
George.
What are you drinking, George?
Oh, I'll get it.
New teacher on campus.
I don't know how professional it would be
to accept a drink from your boss.
What are you drinking, George?
Double-blended nonfat no-whip frappuccino.
Not used to letting people do things for you, are you?
Well, I usually take care of myself.
Well, just relax.
You're right.
(SIGHS)
Do you think I could have a biscotti, too?
I'm not rich, Feeny.
(ENUNCIATING) I don't like him.
(INAUDIBLE)
You don't know him, Eric.
He's a very cool guy.
I'm telling you something, Cory.
I have a gift, okay? I know people.
Hello! Wow!
Look at that.
How would you like to come home to that every day?
We do come home to that.
It's Rachel!
You unbelievable, incredible buffoon.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Rachel.
No, anyway, I'm telling you,
I have a feel for these things, okay?
This guy is no Feeny.
This guy couldn't even clap Feeny's erasers.
Feeny!
Yo! Having coffee with the dean. Whoo, Feeny!
You know what, Eric, sooner or later
you're going to have to cut this cord from Feeny
and see what else is out there.
I'm telling you, if there's one thing I know it's people, okay?
I've lived among them. It's like a fifth sense.
You mean sixth sense?
No, dude, that's smell. You got to be lucky to get that.
Anyway, this Stanley guy...
Stuart!
Stuart guy... I'm telling you, he's bad news.
You trust me.
(INAUDIBLE)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey!
Hi! Oh!
Hey, Stuart.
Hanson, you owe me a paper.
I don't believe in grades, but I'll flunk your butt.
Hey, I was in the neighborhood,
and we talked about going over the paper, so, okay?
Great. Sure. Thanks.
All right.
Angela, I don't have your paper,
but we can discuss what I remember.
Oh, no, that's cool.
We're actually on our way to the student union.
Why don't you go down there and I'll meet you down there later?
Okay. You two leave the door open.
Oh, get out of here.
Is that your mom?
Yeah. That was taken on Martha's Vineyard.
She's real pretty.
Thank you.
Sit down.
Topanga, this paper was too good
to fizzle out on the conclusion.
You're too smart for that.
Here. Look.
"It is possible to cross the line morally
"and yet not cross the line actually."
Now, that's vague.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Why? The paper was on morality and ethics,
and I was just saying there are definite gray areas.
I know what the paper's about,
because, you see, I assigned it.
I just... I want you to be more specific.
The devil's in the details.
I'm sitting here with you, for example, right?
Yeah.
I'm your teacher, and I find you attractive.
But we're talking about the assignment.
Now have we crossed the line?
I don't think so, no.
I'm your teacher and I think you're attractive.
And now we're not talking about the paper.
Have we crossed the line?
What?
Okay.
What if I said to you that I think about you,
and I'd like to see you more than just on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
See where it gets gray?
When did you go to the Vineyard?
Two summers ago.
Beautiful, isn't it?
Okay, one more.
We're adults
and I'm telling you that I'd like to get to know you better.
And that's what I'm going to do.
Stuart, you're making me uncomfortable. I want you to leave.
That's not what you want.
What?
Hey.
If I wasn't such a trusting boyfriend, this would look bad.
How come you don't make house calls on me, Stuart?
'Cause I'm talking to the brains of the family.
Hey, I'm going to leave you two alone.
Uh, Topanga, we'll finish this later.
Boy, you got to love that.
I mean, Feeny wouldn't be caught dead in a dorm room.
Shawn's right about this guy.
He is in a whole other league.
I didn't like him being here.
I didn't like it at all.
What's wrong?
Are you okay?
Oh, so you take your middle name and you put it with the street that you live on.
And that's your soap opera name?
Yeah. Like mine is Kimberly Beaumont.
Jonathan Cumberland.
Eric, your middle name is Randall.
Tony Randall.
The Odd Couple!
Don't you listen to the rules?
Who is Tony Randall?
Right. You win.
(SCOFFS)
I always win.
Stuart, Stuart.
Hey! Hey, Romeo.
Listen, can I talk to you on the patio for a second?
Cory, your paper was pedestrian.
This isn't high school anymore.
You gotta take chances.
We're not talking about the paper.
Yeah?
Yeah, uh, Topanga's real uncomfortable about your dorm visit.
Why?
She thought you were hitting on her.
What if I was?
"What if I was?"
My soap opera name is Patrick Trailer Park.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, mine is Shanaynay Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Gosh, I gotta get some black friends.
So, Topanga, what's your middle name?
I don't want to play.
Why not?
I have a weird middle name.
Your first name's Topanga.
What could your middle name be? Shmuboogie?
Congratulations.
You just got yourself kicked out of college.
How could you do this to Stuart?
Shawn, I don't know, okay. I've never hit anybody before.
Most of the time when you spin out of control, it's funny.
But this time, I think you went too far.
You could get in trouble for this, Cor.
Hey, no matter what happened, we're behind you.
No matter what happened.
The first time in my life I hit somebody,
and it's a teacher. Oh!
You idiot! I thought you hit a student.
What on earth could have possessed you to do this, Cory?
You hit a teacher?
What did he say? Did he threaten you?
No.
Did he hit you? No.
What did he do?
He made a move on Topanga.
In the class?
No, in her dorm room.
Okay, I saw the whole thing. I can testify in court.
That teacher hit, I repeat, hit young Cory Matthews.
No, I hit him, Eric.
Yeah, I know, I saw, man. That dude sailed.
Look, Mom, Dad, you know about my fifth sense, right?
You've told us about it, yes.
I'm telling you something, it's working overtime right now.
I can feel it in my veins. This guy's bad.
You can't talk to that woman.
She's the dean of the university,
and you can't reason with her.
"This is a university.
"The university has rules."
Well, I have rules, too, missy!
You know what? This guy knows what he did. Okay?
And he deserves what he got.
This is all gonna go away.
The dean has scheduled a hearing.
There's a possibility that Cory could get kicked out of school.
Come with me. Come with me now.
Do it, do it, do it.
Why? Why are you my friend?
Why can't I have better friends?
Eric. Eric, what are you doing?
All right, you see that guy over there? Don't look, don't look.
That's the guy that hit young Cory Matthews.
Now, I have a plan. You have to listen carefully,
because this is extremely complicated.
I want you to go over there and flaunt yourself.
I'm not gonna do that, Eric.
All right, Rachel, you go.
What?
You know, just tease him.
Trap him. Do what women do.
It's ingrained. You know, it's the...
(GIGGLING)
I'm a pretty girl.
Eric, I'm not gonna go over there and flaunt myself.
You will flaunt!
Come here, listen to me.
If there was ever a problem in your family,
there's nothing I would not do to help them.
I would go to prison for your family.
Do you know why? Because we live together,
and I feel like I am part of your family.
Except when I dream about you,
and you're in that little pink robe,
and you start doing that thing...
Fine!
All right, now here. Practice on Jack.
Oh, Eric.
Practice!
Okay.
Hi, Stuart. How are you doing?
I hear you're a really good teacher.
(SCOFFS)
I'm more woman than that.
Shut up!
(EXHALING)
Sorry.
(WHISPERING)
What did you say?
Wait a second. What, am I too tall for you?
Is it the fiery red hair?
Is the little boy afraid of a commitment?
Well, you know what? I will not allow you to reject me.
I'm gonna reject you!
You will not hurt me!
Jack, if there was ever anyone in your family...
I'm not flirting with a guy, okay?
I don't care if they give your brother the chair.
You did cross the line.
You used a position of power unethically,
and Cory protected me the only way he knew how.
And now it's my turn to do the same thing for him.
You leave Cory alone. You make this go away,
or I'll tell the dean that you came on to me.
You came on to me.
What?
See you at the hearing.
All right, first of all, this is not a trial,
so let's not make a big courtroom drama out of it.
(THE PEOPLE'S COURT THEME PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Your Honor, Jonathan Cumberland for the defense.
Unbelievable.
Mr. Matthews, leave.
Mr. Feeny, we're partners, man, you know.
Feeny and Cumberland, Cumberland and Feeny.
Feeny and Feeny and Feeny and Eric.
But mostly Feeny because I love my brother and I want to help.
Thanks, Eric.
Look, Mr. Feeny, I know you got a thing going with the dean,
all right, so if it looks like we're gonna lose,
just (SNIFFS) play the love card, okay?
Will you shut up?
Unbelievable.
All right, Stuart,
what happened?
I was in the student union
when Cory asked me to step outside.
I thought it was to talk about a bad grade I gave him
on a paper which I called "pedestrian."
He then accused me of making a move on Topanga Lawrence
and then he hit me.
What were you doing in Topanga Lawrence's room?
I was going over her paper.
In her room? That sounds odd to me.
My students and I have a relationship outside of the classroom,
which allows us to connect better inside the classroom.
Well, ask any of them.
Shawn?
Do you have any problems with my teaching methods?
No.
In fact, didn't you just tell me
that I was the best teacher that you ever had?
Yeah, yeah, I did.
Why do you think that?
I don't think it really matters what I think.
I'd really be interested to hear your answer.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You treat us like equals.
Like adults.
I guess a lot of teachers,
you know, you feel like they treat you like a kid.
Like Mr. Feeny, for example.
Mr. Feeny's a really good teacher.
Yeah, but he... He treats you like a kid.
Okay, you made your point, Stuart.
We've had Mr. Feeny in grade school
and in high school, too,
so maybe he feels like he has to protect us.
I don't know.
I'm sorry, Mr. Feeny.
Don't worry about it, Shawn.
How did you know what dormitory Topanga was in?
She told me.
She told me she lived in the McKay dorms.
She offered it to me unprompted.
Isn't that right, Topanga?
Yes, that's true, but that wasn't...
Thank you.
Did you really think it was proper...
I mean, I'm talking about simple, human propriety...
To be in a young female student's bedroom?
A dorm room.
Also serves as a living room.
Or a TV room or a study.
It was not a bedroom when I was in there.
Stuart, do you believe as a college professor
that it's okay to be alone in a dorm room
with a young female student?
The door was open.
I even asked her roommate to stay.
In fact, it was Topanga who shooed Angela away, isn't that right, Topanga?
She was on her way to the student union. I didn't feel...
Thank you.
Any more questions, George?
Just one.
Is it okay if I rip off your head
and roll it down the hallway?
George, you and I both know
that a teacher is only as effective as the respect he is given,
and Cory's show of disrespect
undermines me and this university.
And your show of disrespect undermines me.
Miss Lawrence.
You know what you did.
I didn't do anything.
He made a move on Topanga.
On my fiancee.
He used his power and authority
to take advantage of her,
and he told me that there was nothing I could do
and that he was never gonna stop.
So I did something.
I mean, I realize, Dean,
that this wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do,
but it was all I could come up with at the time.
Striking a member of this faculty is inexcusable,
no matter what the provocation.
Can I say something real quick?
Yes.
Cory,
it's okay with me that you hit him.
Thanks, Shawn.
It's okay with Shawn.
Well, it's not okay with me.
According to the bylaws of this university,
I am bound to expel or suspend any student
for striking an educator for any reason whatsoever.
Dean, I beg you to reconsider this.
George, sit down.
You can't protect them anymore.
Cory Matthews,
I hereby suspend you from this university
for a period of
one day.
One day?
You are, however,
under probation for the remainder of this term,
and I will not take kindly
to your solving any more problems
with anything but words.
You don't have to worry about it, Dean. Thank you.
Dean, he hit a teacher.
A teacher must be someone a student can trust.
The second the teacher uses pressure on a student
for any reason whatsoever, other than academic,
that trust is destroyed.
Well, there must be some sort of misunderstanding,
because as a teacher, I...
Stuart... This is a teacher, Stuart.
I'm not sure what you are,
but you can be certain I'm going to find out.
This hearing is adjourned.
Everybody go home.
(SIGHS)
I am so sorry you had to go through all this.
Thanks for sticking by us, George.
You all right, buddy?
Yeah.
Bye, baby. Bye.
I don't know how I could've compared him to you.
Oh, well...
I guess, uh, college is a lot different than high school, huh?
I'm afraid so, Cory.
I'm also afraid that the dean is right.
I've tried to protect you for too long
in the shelters of high school.
This is a major university, and this is life,
and these things happen.
And you're not children anymore.
(SCOFFS)
We're not children anymore.
When did that happen?
I don't know. Today, I think.
You guys want to get ice cream or something?
Yeah.
Good.